the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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