im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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