i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Randomize
