She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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