btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
