I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
