i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
