why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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