if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sorry my hands just texted you
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
