How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
