im holly from the hills drunk
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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