Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
