the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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