I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
