Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
