im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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