I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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