Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
