i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
