haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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