My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
