we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
