he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
