if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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