You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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