she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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