Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ladies don't puke and tell
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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