the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
third nipple confirmed
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
