I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
