i need an iv and a liver transplant
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just made my gag reflex go away.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
