it hurts more in the daytime
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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