She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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