I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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