Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
