Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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