and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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