Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
