Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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