Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
