wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
