THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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