My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
