You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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