You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
