I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
