I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
