Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
