I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
