On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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