can u get pink eye on your cock?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I want a musical about memes.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
