when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
