you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
