my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
